Wednesday, July 11, 2018

Thinking Out Loud 07112018

Thinking Out Loud July 11th, 2018

or "Publicly Working Through Things (Again)"

There is a way I need to live (i.e. stay sober, eat clean, and exercise). There are things I need to do (i.e. get my fat ass on that zafu and stare at the wall every day). If I don't live this way or do the things I need to, I begin to completely fucking unravel. When reality clashes with my expectations or I realize that I will never get certain things or be in certain situations I can't cope with it. Little adversities quickly pile up and I become the middle-aged, neurotic, insecure, and self-centered person, if I'm being honest, I generally despise. I know that my experiences are by no means unique but after years of being in close quarters with barely functional adults who won't do the work to better themselves I don't have much patience for it. Few things bother me more than adults who willfully refuse to get their shit together.

I will even admit that I might even be more of a dick when I'm sober and judge others more harshly. However, I am for sure no use to anyone when I become mortally wounded with every single perceived slight. I can't be there for anyone else when I am this fragile neurotic mess.

So, part of what I'm wondering is why do people abandon what they know they need to do to they stay healthy and functional? Why do we self-sabotage? I don't generally consider myself a self-destructive person. I know I had piss poor coping mechanisms for years but I did some work and learned some. I don't understand why I or anyone who has learned tools to cope thinks that they can set those tools aside?

For now I'm living right and staring at the wall like I should. I have to wonder, though, is zazen and staying sober enough? What would need to be added on: 12-step? Joining a "spiritual" community? Hardcore-laying-on-the-couch-let's-deal-with-this-shit therapy?

I don't have the answers to this (or maybe I do).

Prajñā & Potatoes,

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