Thinking Out Loud July 9th, 2018
and "Let's Not Call It A Failure, But Rather A Delay"
or "These Trips Out Of Town Might Be Doing More Harm Than Good"
I just got back home a little while ago from my friend's place in my hometown area. I have almost all of my stuff out of his carport now. We were more successful some days than others moving his junk out of his apartment and cleaning up around "new" place. I won't go into details but it is emotionally draining being there. Some of you know the situation there. I don't really feel like I'm helping anymore. In fact I kind of feel like I'm enabling. It's also really easy for me to slip into old bad habits while I'm there. I didn't have a game plan or timetable for coming back home because frankly there is still so much that needs to be done there. I woke up this morning though with that weird depression and anxiety and thought "I NEED to get the fuck out of here NOW!"
It is going to be a while before I make the trek up to the Central Coast again.
So, long story short, I allowed my plans surrounding the challenges to be hijacked. Ok, that sounds like somehow it wasn't my fault and I was just taking a passive role in it. I was 100% complicit and an active participant in the challenges getting hijacked. There is no use in not facing up to that.
It's funny how I know exactly what actions I need to take to be a person I'm generally happy with, yet I keep fighting it. I keep thinking I am going to get away with things that I know I won't. It makes no sense and I'm getting really sick if the self-sabotage.
Even though I was a week into the challenges before I fell off the health-wagon (in more ways than one) I'm re-starting up the challenges tomorrow morning instead. I'm choosing to look at it not as a failure but rather as a delay. I went to the market and picked up a bunch of kale and other veggies so I'm all ready to start up again, By "start up again" I mean let all of the kale turn brown and the veggies get fuzzy and mushy. Har har. #TacoBellLife Nah, life is much more stable and manageable when I'm home. I'm ready to do this.
Just as a reminder this all means that I will be eating a 100% plant-based diet and doing 15 minutes of shikantaza style zazen every day until August 9th, 2018.
Prajñā & Potatoes,