Friday, July 20, 2018

30 Day PBD Challenge And A Much Needed Break

The 30 Day PBD Challenge Continues!

or "Watch Me Disappear"

Weekly Summation?

Long story short I'm not feeling the weekly summations. They seem fairly pointless. This challenge is has turned out to be easy enough so I will to see this through until the end. I'm kind of surprised I am not craving any animal products right now. I thought for sure I'd turn into a cheese-fiend but not so much. This is making me curious how long it will be until I eat an animal product again after the challenge is done. A summation of the 30 day challenge will be posted on August 10th or so.

Mental Health Break

I need to take a break from social media for a little while. Part of the coursework for my English class has been reading articles about how the Internet and digital media affects our brain chemistry and how we process information. I feel like I've been on a daily emotional roller coaster lately and Twitter (and to a lesser extent, Facebook) has played a big part in it. Even though I can look at it logically and go "Why am I letting that bother me? That's stupid." a tweet can make me borderline despondent. Something similar happened a few years ago and I fixed it after deleting all of my social media accounts. I don't think I need to go as extreme this time though. I am going to step away for a little bit as a practice of good mental hygiene.

On top of that, I really want to focus and finish strong in my classes.

NOTE: This also not some weird cry for attention. Everything is OK. I am a million times better than I was a couple of weeks ago. I just need to focus on myself for a second until I can "level myself out"...if that makes any sense.

Anyway, I'll be back...soon? In the meantime, take care of yourselves.

Necromancy + Nut Butter

Tuesday, July 17, 2018

30 Day Plant Based Challenge 7/10/2018 - 7/16/2018

30 Day PBD Challenge Weekly Summation  #1

or "So Far So Good and a #FAIL"

Well, here is the first weekly wrap up for my 30 day plant based challenge. I'll get one thing out of the way first- I completely forgot to do my meditation on Sunday, the 15th so that challenge is a #FAIL! It's all good though. It really shouldn't have been a thirty day challenge because I need to be doing it daily for the rest of my life. I guess it was good motivation to get back on the zafu.

I am very fortunate to have access to a pool so I've been swimming for ninety minutes every day since July 11th. Eating clean, getting some sun exposure, and exercising every day have been a tremendous help mentally and emotionally. It seems to be helping shrink the waistline too.

First, Some Thinking Out Loud

Everything seems manageable again. When your anxiety and insecurities get the best of you it is crazy how little tiny setbacks or obstacles can suddenly become a life or death situations. You can look at something logically and go "oh this is really nothing" but physically your body is acting like it's in imminent danger and your mind is working against you. Thank you to the "group therapy" peeps who let me vent and heard me out. You know who you are. #YEE

I also had a VERY odd experience on Saturday 14th that I doubt I'll fully ever go into detail about here. It really freaked me out too, but in a good way. It was like a welcome slap in the face. Ultimately, solicited advice was given and the advice was "suck it up, dude". In any other situation this input would not have been taken well but it came from the right source at the right time. It really felt kind of like a fever breaking suddenly.

I also wanted to go into a discussion about sobriety (or a lack thereof) but I'll save that for another time soon. I need to finish this and get back to my weekly coursework. 

Weekly Recap

I ate a lot of stuff that looked like this.
Instead of posting pics of everything I ate (which would be time consuming as all hell) I decided to snip my Cron-o-meter entries for each day. I've used the app for so long it's almost second nature to log everything I eat in the app so it should be a fairly accurate log of what I ate every day.

Tuesday 10th

Wednesday 11th

Thursday 12th

Friday 13th

Saturday 14th

Sunday 15th

Monday 16th

Friday the 13th I only ate 577 calories for the whole day. I was kind of a mess that day and had no appetite. Most other days were not nearly as extreme. I also have no idea what, if any, weight change occurred over the week because the display on my bathroom scale broke.

I have some more "Thinking Out Loud" posts rolling around in my head but I'm not sure when I'll get around to them. At the very least I will be back with another recap next week. In the meantime, I sincerely hope you are well!

Purpose + Potatoes

Wednesday, July 11, 2018

Thinking Out Loud 07112018

Thinking Out Loud July 11th, 2018

or "Publicly Working Through Things (Again)"

There is a way I need to live (i.e. stay sober, eat clean, and exercise). There are things I need to do (i.e. get my fat ass on that zafu and stare at the wall every day). If I don't live this way or do the things I need to, I begin to completely fucking unravel. When reality clashes with my expectations or I realize that I will never get certain things or be in certain situations I can't cope with it. Little adversities quickly pile up and I become the middle-aged, neurotic, insecure, and self-centered person, if I'm being honest, I generally despise. I know that my experiences are by no means unique but after years of being in close quarters with barely functional adults who won't do the work to better themselves I don't have much patience for it. Few things bother me more than adults who willfully refuse to get their shit together.

I will even admit that I might even be more of a dick when I'm sober and judge others more harshly. However, I am for sure no use to anyone when I become mortally wounded with every single perceived slight. I can't be there for anyone else when I am this fragile neurotic mess.

So, part of what I'm wondering is why do people abandon what they know they need to do to they stay healthy and functional? Why do we self-sabotage? I don't generally consider myself a self-destructive person. I know I had piss poor coping mechanisms for years but I did some work and learned some. I don't understand why I or anyone who has learned tools to cope thinks that they can set those tools aside?

For now I'm living right and staring at the wall like I should. I have to wonder, though, is zazen and staying sober enough? What would need to be added on: 12-step? Joining a "spiritual" community? Hardcore-laying-on-the-couch-let's-deal-with-this-shit therapy?

I don't have the answers to this (or maybe I do).

Prajñā & Potatoes,

Monday, July 9, 2018

Thinking Out Loud 07092018

Thinking Out Loud July 9th, 2018

and "Let's Not Call It A Failure, But Rather A Delay"

or "These Trips Out Of Town Might Be Doing More Harm Than Good"

Note: I hammered this post out as quickly as possible. I just wanted to get some stuff out of my head before I go to bed. I don't have the time to proofread as much as I would prefer- I apologize for how sloppy it is in advance.

I just got back home a little while ago from my friend's place in my hometown area. I have almost all of my stuff out of his carport now. We were more successful some days than others moving his junk out of his apartment and cleaning up around "new" place. I won't go into details but it is emotionally draining being there. Some of you know the situation there. I don't really feel like I'm helping anymore. In fact I kind of feel like I'm enabling. It's also really easy for me to slip into old bad habits while I'm there. I didn't have a game plan or timetable for coming back home because frankly there is still so much that needs to be done there. I woke up this morning though with that weird depression and anxiety and thought "I NEED to get the fuck out of here NOW!"

It is going to be a while before I make the trek up to the Central Coast again.

So, long story short, I allowed my plans surrounding the challenges to be hijacked. Ok, that sounds like somehow it wasn't my fault and I was just taking a passive role in it. I was 100% complicit and an active participant in the challenges getting hijacked. There is no use in not facing up to that.

It's funny how I know exactly what actions I need to take to be a person I'm generally happy with, yet I keep fighting it. I keep thinking I am going to get away with things that I know I won't. It makes no sense and I'm getting really sick if the self-sabotage.

Even though I was a week into the challenges before I fell off the health-wagon (in more ways than one) I'm re-starting up the challenges tomorrow morning instead. I'm choosing to look at it not as a failure but rather as a delay. I went to the market and picked up a bunch of kale and other veggies so I'm all ready to start up again, By "start up again" I mean let all of the kale turn brown and the veggies get fuzzy and mushy. Har har. #TacoBellLife Nah, life is much more stable and manageable when I'm home. I'm ready to do this.

Just as a reminder this all means that I will be eating a 100% plant-based diet and doing 15 minutes of shikantaza style zazen every day until August 9th, 2018.

Prajñā & Potatoes,

Happy New Year 2019!

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