Day 6: Dark Questions
or "I swear I'm going somewhere with this."
I am a Taurus, and yeah I guess so. I'm stubborn as hell, lethargic and like the finer things in life.
That is a stupid question. This is a funny video.
Ok. Let's get serious.
One of the questions or subjects for the fifth day of this challenge (I have to work off of multiple lists as each list contains dumb questions) has been rolling around in my head for the last twenty four hours. It was: A time you thought about ending your own life. My first thought was "Well, I am thinking about it right now."
First off, what a weird, random and dark blog subject to mix in with other topics like "what Pandora station do most often listen to?" Second, it really rattled me because I hadn't realized I was thinking about ending my own life until that moment.
Ok, I wasn't really thinking about actively ending my life but I was thinking it would be very nice to just lay down and start dissolving into the carpet, never to get back up again. That is just Depression talking. Hey, Depression! I see you there. Stop looking around and acting like you can't hear me! Just wanted to let you know that I KNOW you're there. See you around, D. Weirdo.
Anyway- thoughts like this are nothing new. I've dealt with depression before and I know what I need to do. I know how to be proactive and get ahead of the thoughts and feelings that I need to. I also know how to ride out the thoughts and feelings that just need to be rode out. If it gets bad enough I will seek professional help. This is old hat.
That all brings me to the real subject of my post: sobriety. March 4th, 2018 was the last day that I had a drink (i.e. got drunk) and I haven't really felt like drinking since then. Long story short, I decided I would have a couple of drinks that day. I told myself that I wasn't going to let myself get that drunk. I then proceeded to get straight-up blackout sloshed. Prior to that I had been blacking out here and there for months. I was already at the point where it was getting harder and harder to deny that I had a problem. When I woke up the next day I decided to throw in the towel and call it quits. This isn't the first time I've tried to quit but hopefully it is the last.
So with Depression showing up (Yeah, still you, D.) I have to admit drinking myself into oblivion would be very nice. I still really don't want to drink though. Like I can't even picture myself doing it. I am not going to drink, just like I am not going to off myself. It just isn't going to happen.* This will all pass.
I need to get involved with a community of sober people or start going to meetings (AA or Refuge Recovery) soon. In the meantime though, I have been filling my head with podcast episodes about people in recovery. I have found this helps a lot. Personally, it really takes the edge off, or, weight off of the depression. I'm pretty sure it adds to my lack of desire to drink too. If you feel like you have a problem with drugs or alcohol, no matter where you are in (or not-in) recovery, I really think listening to other people talk about their struggles helps. Here are a couple of the podcasts I'm listening to:
I mentioned the Rich Roll podcast before. Rich Roll is a committed 12-stepper himself and many of the episodes deal with recovery.
Rich Roll Podcast
Rich Roll Podcast 226: Moby
Rich Roll Podcast 341: Amy Dresner
I've been putting as much of Anna David's Light Hustler into my head as I can. You can find the Light Hustler podcast on iTunes or whatever podcast app you use (I dig Pocket Casts). The episodes are also on Soundcloud. I'll leave you with a few of my favorites so far. See you tomorrow! (Note: Tomorrow's subject is a lot more lighthearted. Let's see if I can go some place dark with it. 🤣)
*I will try to convince myself I can drink again at some point. This is sure to happen. I will be ready for it one way or another.